- Guest Post by Dr. Lauren Moss
“Self-Care” has become a buzz term in our culture today. It’s used to self care everything from massages to water! And yet I talk to so many people (counseling clients, friends, teachers, and family members) who tell me, “I’m too exhausted to ‘do’ self-care’! If I had an extra hour in my day, I wouldn’t be this stressed and burnt out to begin with.” I get it. I really do.
As a person who identifies as being in recovery from the hectic lifestyle suggested by the dominant messaging in our Western culture, I remember feeling this way ALL-OF-THE-TIME. It’s like saying to a broke person, “if you are behind on your bills just pay them at the start of the month, then you won’t be behind anymore.” See the problem? When there is no money in the bank, you can’t pay all of your bills. When there is no energy to draw from, it’s hard to muster the ability to care for yourself.
I distinctly remember the first time I consciously heard the term, “self-care”. It was during my doctoral studies in counselor education. I can’t quite recall the exact language used to describe it, but I do remember a feeling of relief washing over me. I had this sensation that maybe I wasn’t meant to indefinitely keep up the intense pace I had been maintaining for the previous 15 years.
Although the initial ‘ah-ha’ moment was profound, I discovered that implementing self-care practices was for me, as with most people I talk to, easier said than done. Ultimately, self-care becomes a process of falling in love with yourself to the point that you truly desire meeting all of your own needs. Sound like a fantasy? Maybe. Impossible? It doesn’t have tobe! I can tell you from personal experience that it is possible. I now recommend my process to others looking to find more joy and balance in their lives.
Here are the steps I suggest to figure out how to integrate self-care into your life:
- Define Self-Care for Yourself
Looking back I realize that when I started working on myself I had a really warped view of what self-care is. It now feels like I was throwing darts in the dark! What I can report in retrospect is that while taking a lavish vacation can be fun it may not be restful and that although drinking wine and catching up with an old friend might be fun in the moment, it can easily turn into a social and physical hangover. Listen to your inner guidance to figure out which activities REALLY bring more wellness and joy into your life and do more of those things as often as possible. I now define self-care as “any behavior that supports my progression toward purpose.” Feel free to borrow my definition, or (better yet) create your own!
- Audit Your Calendar
Ask yourself: “How am I spending my time?” Analyze what is bringing you joy and fulfillment vs. what you do out of obligation or perceived necessity. If you are honest with yourself, I bet you’ll find that there are things you can cut out. It may not make others happy and you may have some people in your life shocked that you are drawing boundaries, but it is a necessary step to finding time for self-care. When I did this exercise it turned out that almost ALL of my time was being spent in business that did not feed my soul but rather drained the life source from me. Yikes. This was a tough truth to face, but it was an important epiphany to have to heal myself and more congruently live my purpose. You don’t HAVE to grade those papers right now (yes, I’m talking to YOU — stop making excuses!). Those dishes CAN stay in the sink for one more day.
- Start Small
If you’ve made it this far I can hear many people saying (as I once would have), “Well, getting an hour massage brings me joy and wellness, but I can’t afford the time/ money to do that every day/ week. So now what?”! I’ve found that starting REALLY small is the best way to increase self-care and wellness into my day-to-day schedule. Instead of exercising for an hour, close your eyes for a few minutes and focus on taking several deep breaths. Rather than worrying about scheduling weekly massages, give yourself a foot or shoulder rub after each email you respond to. Small acts of kindness and appreciation will grow and flourish if you allow them to!
Overall, don’t give up. No matter where you are on your journey with self-care there is always room for growth. The ‘perfection’ of self-care is in the pursuit, not the product. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Let your support system know you are working on self-care and appreciate their help. Check out my website for additional tips and support — I believe our journey toward wellness is meant to be shared and co-experienced. I’ll see you out there as we find our way!
With heart,
Lauren