This is going to be a very raw post, but I want to share it, because I doubt that I am the only parent educator that feels this way sometimes. One of my goals in this blogging journey is to not only share insights and resources that are fun and innovative , but to also reflect on honest conversation with self care and self awareness. Sometimes this means being OK with not being constantly perfect or content in life, and more importantly, being vulnerable and honest. Working with young children and having young children at home can cause some conflicting internal feelings. . .
Truth be told, I don’t always feel like I am doing a great job. Here is my personal reflection…
Some days I feel like I have no patience with my own children: Sometimes I feel like patience is quantitative, like a bottle of water filling up each morning and draining by the end of the day. Most of it gets used with the students at my school. I show empathy, kindness, and patience as my students cry, scream, and share their feelings of anger, worry, and frustration with me. When I come home from the day at work, my patience bottle feels empty sometimes. When this happens, I am more curt with my daughter, have less patience for “small mistakes or accidents’, and feel irritable inside. I do not like it when I feel this way. It makes me feel guilty. Being aware of my own internal conflict has helped me not emotionally react to my own children as much , and it also allows me to have honest dialogue with my daughter, who is almost 7. I found that is OK to say ” Mommy is feeling grumpy right now. I am sorry if I am snippy.” Or “Mommy needs a few minutes of time to herself. I will be back to play with you in 20 minutes”. I find that not hiding how I am feeling helps me move past them and it also shows my daughter how to communicate her own feelings.
Some days I don’t want to have play dates at my own house: We live in the BEST neighborhood! There are so many children that are same age as my children and they play together often. Throughout the school year however, I struggle to have playdates at my own house. When I first realized this, it bothered me. My internal dialogue was asking “What is your deal? You love working with children… it is the career you chose. You have two children of your own! Why do you not want other children at your house very much during the school year?”. I then began to realize that by having a lot of play dates after school during the school year, I felt like I was taking my job home for a continued work day. I recognized that I needed a break during the week to just be a mom, wife, and more importantly a person. In the summer, we have had a lot more friends come over, and it has been going great. I am still trying to work through this throughout the upcoming school year… trying to honor my daughter’s request for friends while still maintaining a sense of balance in my own life. Still problem solving…
Some days I want to stay home with my own child: I think that any working parent in any industry struggles with days of having to go to work when they would rather be home with their child. I can’t say that my feelings of missing seeing my one year old son throughout the day are stronger that other working parents. What I can say, is that it sometimes hard to spend so much time with other people’s children while missing my own. It is quite interesting paradox to be a parent educator… you are able to see so many milestones accomplished…in the children of others. At the same time, others are seeing the milestones of your own child or children as you work. I can’t really complain though. Right now, I have the ability to spend my entire summer with my children, a luxury that many other working parents do not have. I recognize that this time is a compellation of many wonderful summers that this career in education has offered me.
I have written this cathartic post for the other educator parents out there that my have some of the same feelings. They are complex, they are raw, and they are real. You are not alone! I understand how you feel! It is OK to have these feelings sometimes! Don’t feel guilty… You are wonderful!